Christian cardiology

 

This tract is all about why online bible colleges shouldn't offer medical degrees. 

Chick has a habit of making all of the 'unsaved' characters hideous. Fat, combover, no chin. His ears look like they're trying to strike off on their own. 

You will die! this doctor really needs to work on his bedside manner. 

Who smirks like that when they say "Everybody dies."? Didn't you know? It makes me almost as happy as the thought of kicking puppies! So far this doctor seems like a sociopath. The patient looks like he's just been beaned in the head by the golfer in that viagra poster. That could actually explain a lot of what he says in the next few panels. 

No, that's really pretty much all a heart is. In fact scientists at the University of Minnesota are even growing hearts in the lab. The Door is preaching sanctimoniously to the cleaning lady. I can't say I blame her for heading to the exit. 

What part of the heart has these ugly lil' buggers that only God can see? The left ventricle? Oh, the fleshly part? 

...fleshly? 

Your fleshly organs are offensive to God. Ok then. 

The three main definitions given for fleshly on various online dictionaries are:

1 Of or relating to the body. 

2 Of or relating to carnality.

3 The antonym of spiritual. 

Maybe I'm a bit weird, but my organs tend to be made out of flesh. So the first definition doesn't make much sense in this context. Despite Rule 34, organs aren't most peoples turn ons. 'Hey baby, nice pancreas!' has never been a pickup line. That takes care of the second definition. 

So that leaves us with a professional medical diagnosis of: Atheist Organs!! 

I'd be looking really closely at the diploma on the wall at this point. Not Combover J. Strawman here though. What are these ugly slithery beasties you speak of ?

Doc appears to be petting him. Is this a Christian come on? Hey, come on, every one want's to cheat on their spouses. *Stroke, stroke, stroke*

There're one too many thought bubbles in this panel. Unless Combover is imagining a bizarre alternate universe where that's the reaction he would have to what the doctor is saying. The heart pumps blood, that's about it. 

*Lights turned off for dramatic effect* Then there's murder! 

And being angry is totally the same thing! Even if you're only thinking angry thoughts! Because, it doesn't seem like he ever actually told off his boss or mother-in-law. Unless we're to believe that he's remembering a time when they were both in the same room shouting at him &  he brandished a couple revolvers and told them he hated them. 

Thinking about things ≠ doing things. 

Fun Fact: Physical appearance is directly tied to how evil you are. Combover looked almost human in the last panel, now that he's ripping off Sigmund Freud, his nose has doubled in size, his eyebrows are bushy & his smile has spread to  grinchly proportions.

A slimy little creature that is when unmarried people sleep together? 

Chick publishes some of his tracts in a few different languages. His analogies are usually stretched to incomprehensibility in English, I'd love to read a dissection of a foreign language tract. 

I'm a bit disappointed that while the doctor has been anthropomorphizing, little demons representing fornication etc don't peek out from behind benches and cabinets like the occasional random demons in other tracts. Demons are for some reason, pretty much the only thing that Chick draws cute. 

Why is his hair the only part of him that's not a silhouette? He really should be doing air-quotes with his hands when he says "one night stand" and "shacking up". Which you shouldn't do by the way, because you'll catch STD! 

"Huh?" That would have been my reaction to everything the doctor has said so far.

Schizophrenic building arguing with itself about sexual health, moving right along. 

"Wanna hear some other heart problems?" "I'm not sure my heart can take it!" Say those sentences out loud. There are reasons it's widely assumed that Jack Chick has neither had nor heard a conversation with other human beings in decades. Too much forced emphasis.

Theft doesn't keep American prisons full Jack. according to the Federal Bureau of Prisons'  information on types of offenses committed by those incarcerated. Drug related offenses are what 50.9% of the prison population is doing time for. Followed by weapons, explosives, arson related offenses at 15.2% & immigration related offenses at 11.6%. People who committed robbery only account for 4.3% of the prison population. Even adding together everyone involved with larceny, extortion, fraud, counterfeiting & embezzlement, that only comes to about 13.3% of the prison population. That's less than the arsonists with guns & fireworks. 

 "Blasphemy" "Is that a medical term?"  Ba-dum-bum 

It's Fang! Where do I get a Fang T-shirt?

"Isn't that a swear word?" In Chicks more youth oriented tracts, when a character says something like that they're usually about 6.  This guy is old enough to have kids that are off having one night stands. He's never encountered a Christian before? The only context he's ever heard Jesus is as a profanity? Really? Really? And then he just accepts Jesus, excuse me, Jesus as the name of the guy's god? 

I kind of want to tell him the Good News about MotherFuckingSonOfABitch. What, a swear word? No, MotherFuckingSonOfABitch is the one true name of God Almighty!

From dull-witted looking to OMFGWTF!!DIE!!DIE DIE!!!!!!1!!!,  to looking like an earwig just crawled into a rather tender orifice in as many panels. This guy clearly has problems, but I don't think they're heart problems. 

Good ol' Combover J. Strawman. Tell me more Doctor. 

Let me just get out this medical textbook to show you a diagram of your heart. It's a bit technical, let me know if you need me to explain it.

I'm left wondering if this conversation took place as his appointment was just beginning or just ending. Would you rather be told how wicked & dirty you are just before a prostate exam, or just after? 

Adam & Eve disobeyed God and ate all of His miniature pineapples. This  caused us to have a four chambered heart like other mammals. As opposed to two chambered hearts like fish, three chambered hearts like reptiles or 5 single chambered hearts like worms. Therefore God & Heaven (obviously). 

Really, what's with the doctors hair? Does it glow in the dark? I don't know why Combover is so concerned about getting into heaven. It looks like he's already been sainted. 

God doesn't want anyone to perish and go to hell. Even though He made death a biological inevitability, created hell, and invented a nonsensical, psychotic loophole as the only means of having people avoid that hell. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I kind of wish Chick saved the 'Isn't that a swear word?' schtick till now. 'Golly! A cuss word gave its life so I can get an organ transplant!' Has a much better ring to it. And what happened to the picture of the cute growly lil' demonic heart the doctor was holding earlier? 

The doctors narrative thus far, if I may summarize: You have evil creatures living in your heart that cause you to do bad things. & your heart is an atheist because people ate fruit a very long time ago. But then a while later, a guy you thought was a swear word but was really God became a human sacrifice. He then became a zombie so you can get a new heart. Now you can go wash yourself in some blood. 

This is ostensibly somebody who has no knowledge of anything to do with Christianity. I would expect at least a few more followup questions along the lines of: Huh? Or, WTF are you talking about? Possibly coupled with backing away slowly towards the door.

His nose is shrinking! He must be converting! 

There's Growly Heart again! Given that the Christian heart doesn't seem to have any  arteries, I'll stick with Growly. Also, Jesus is a heart-worm and will change your species.

I'm sad there aren't any cartoon sound effects in this panel. *Punt* *Aiiee!!* *Crackle*

The cleaning lady must be walking by again. Poor Door, if you were just less preachy, people would stay & hang out with you. 

"I think I'll go for the life of sin, followed by the presto-change-o deathbed repentance."* I've never understood that argument anyway. You either believe what the Christian Doctor just said or you don't. If he said you have to believe the sky is green or you'll get your ass kicked, you can't decide to believe the sky is green. You might tell him you believe that to avoid an ass kicking, but you don't actually believe that. You know the sky is still blue. Or maybe it really is just the lip service that counts.

Chick seems to think that everyone really believes this stuff (Even those who think Jesus is a swearword. But I digress). But that they're just pretending they don't. He really doesn't seem to grasp the concept that people can simply not believe in God. 

 *Bart Simpson

"God is here right now dealing with you."

"Huh? Where?"

"Don't even think about rejecting Him."

"Uh, I don't see-"

"Go ahead, talk to him!"

"..."

Xians get a bit testy when you compare their God to an imaginary friend. But really, where else can you go with this? 

"I'm sick of sitting here in my underwear while you proselytize to me, what can I say to get you to stop? You sold me, Doc. Yep, I believe, just tell me how to pray"

Now that he's been saved he's turned into an only slightly goofy looking guy rather then the circus freak he looked like through most of this tract. Jack was to lazy to draw a last panel, so he reused the angel toss again & another pic done by Fred Carter.

There you have it. Another steaming pile of Chick.